What has happened?

Sometimes, we try to make sense of what the issues are through conversations with others and of course, with ourselves. We might down play the issues, or we might know that the issues are serious enough to seek help, but wonder, is it an overreaction?

We might also ask valid questions about doing too little too late, or waiting a while longer to see if we can figure it out together. We may have different ideas about talking to a therapist that equally we cannot resolve alone.

The in-between phase:

 Perhaps we increase opportunity for distraction in other areas of our lives, such as, working longer-days, avoiding talking, organising a nice meal with friends, a weekend away. We can excuse and justify all manner of things to ourselves in order to not focus our attention where it is most needed. Therapy offers a place to explore concessions, after having responded to excuses and justifications, which usually form part of our thinking.

None of these thoughts and responses are necessarily wrong-but we might want to ask, what impact will this response have in six-month time?  We might be coming to therapy to decide how to move forward together, or how to end the relationship in the best possible way.

What the evidence tells us:

Doherty et al (2001-see research gate) conducted some qualitative research asking couples when they first noticed the ‘problems’ appearing and the time between that and seeking help. The researchers found the average time to be 2.68 years, for couples to either enter into individual or couples therapy. This is a long time to feel unsatisfied and in my experience lasts longer than the actual therapy when you do enter into it! Trust that you know when you are ready to commit to the work and expect to be a little uncertain, this feeling can be an ally to creativity and unlocking the relationship potential!!

Is what you are doing helpful, and if it is how so?

This is a question I like to pose to the couples that come and work with me. Couples therapy helps you to head toward responsibility for understanding what is beneath the words and the behaviour.

How does change happen?

This is an important question. In the first few sessions we will understand each person’s perspective. We will explore times when your relationship was not always this way. We will name your hopes and expectations.

My careful, empathic listening will help us interrupt circular, blaming conversations, to leave you both more informed and aware, having negotiated this couples report feeling more heard and understood.

The themes that emerge from our sessions inform the actions and conversations after you have left the therapy room. Expect to not be perfect, we will be trying new ways of communicating. Instead, I invite each partner to hold onto the intention behind words and actions. Over time, this helps you to learn and do more of what works and less of what does not work.